Separate Paths

Lucy didn't have any finals this morning (and I'm not allowed to take finals), so she came over to my place and suggested we go for a walk. The weather wasn't quite as nice as it was yesterday, but still pretty nice. (This afternoon it's turned gray and windy, which as you'll see in a moment is thematically appropriate.)

We walked east, toward Y Mountain, holding hands. "I've been thinking about our conversation last night," Lucy said. "I love you and I support you in whatever decisions you feel good about--you need to follow your path, not mine--but if your path takes you out of the church, I can't go with you."

I frowned. "I don't expect you to leave the church for me, Lucy."

"I know. But I mean I can't go with you on this journey you're about to embark on. You need to figure out school, who you are as a mutant, who you are as a person. I would love to be there with you, to figure it all out together, but if you need to leave the church in order to do it, I can't. You'll need to do it alone."

"What?" I stopped walking, forcing Lucy to stop and face me. "You're dumping me because I'm not Mormon anymore? Does leaving the church suddenly make me a bad person? I thought we were beyond that kind of black-and-white thinking."

Still holding my right hand, Lucy took my left hand as well. "Ben, stop reacting to what you think I'm saying and start listening to what I am saying. You're planning to move out of state. I've told you before that I won't move with you unless we're married. And I'm sorry, but I can't marry a non-member. Marriage is hard enough as it is. We would already be an interspecies couple, which I'm fine with, but you add interfaith on top of that and we'd be setting ourselves up to lose. I love you, Ben, but I can't marry you."

"Then I'll stay in Utah and we can keep dating while I figure things out. Maybe I can transfer to the U."

"And then what? I hold onto the hope that you'll come back to the church? You hold onto the hope that I'll leave or that I'll give in and marry you anyway? And meanwhile, I'm holding you back. There's nothing for you in Utah. You need to get out of here."

"But--" But I had no argument. Lucy was right. I would have come to the same conclusion eventually, but Lucy, always thinking ahead, got there first. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into me. We stood like that, hugging and crying, for I don't know how long.

Finally, we wiped away the tears and continued our walk. We still held hands--I wasn't ready to let go yet--but now we walked in silence. When we got back to my place, Lucy gave me a quick kiss and said, "You better not make me read your blog to keep up on your life. If I don't get regular updates, I'll fly out to Seattle and wring them from you personally."

I grinned. "Then I just might have to fall behind on sending you updates."

Life and Death

Longtime readers may remember that I met my now-ex-girlfriend Jan through her brother Greg, who happens to be one of my roommates. You probably won't be surprised that since Jan and I broke up, things have been a little awkward between Greg and me. It's not that he's angry at me for breaking up with his sister--she's the one who broke up with me, really, and it just wasn't that kind of break up--but rather... Well, I don't know. Things are weird. Even weirder after this morning.

I went to get breakfast and Greg was at the kitchen table, staring at the wall. His Colossal Berry Crunch looked like it had been soaking in milk for a while--there wasn't much crunch left. Things may be awkward between us, but I wasn't about to ignore his obvious distress while I ate my breakfast. "What's up?" I asked.

"Huh?" He looked like I'd jerked him out of a trance.

"Are you okay?"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess. I've just been up all night. Worried about..." He looked to me tentatively.

"Jan?"

Greg nodded. "She's at the University of Utah Hospital. She woke up from her last healing a few days ago, but hasn't even been able to get out of bed. She asked the nurses to bring the next person waiting to be healed to her, but they refused. And after seeing her last night, I don't blame them. She's in no condition to be healing anyone. She looks like a ghost, Ben. So pale, and hardly anything but skin covering her bones."

I remembered how she looked the last time I saw her. With that in mind, what Greg was telling me didn't surprise me.

Greg pounded the table, knocking the spoon out of his bowl. "Why is she so hellbent on killing herself? Believe me, I'm as pro-mutant as anyone--I'm the one who encouraged her to accept that part of herself, years ago--but using a mutant power that's killing you is just stupid. I don't care how many other people she's helping. I wish she'd never..." He looked at me and seemed to reconsider saying he wished she'd never used her healing power in the first place.

Considering that the first time she used her power intentionally was to save the life of my current girlfriend, it was kind of Greg to hold back. But he'd already said enough to make me think. Is it really fair for Jan to die so that Lucy can live? I'm not even going to try to answer that question. But what if I had never convinced Jan to heal Lucy? She wouldn't have decided to become the Mother Theresa of mutants, devoting her life to healing others. She'd probably still be here at BYU. With me. And Lucy would be dead. The thought makes me shudder now, just as it did this morning. I wouldn't want, not in a million years, for Lucy to die. But I don't want that for Jan either.

"Do you think," I asked Greg, "she'd be okay with me visiting her?"

He shrugged. "I don't see why not. She'll probably try to convince you to bring her someone to heal."

So I guess I'm going to visit Jan tonight. Lucy's coming too. Not because she has to chaperone me while I visit my ex-girlfriend, but because she's worried about Jan too. Lucy owes Jan her life. Hopefully we can convince Jan to value her own.

Marriage

Lucy and I have been talking about marriage. We're not getting engaged or anything--we've only been dating for five days and even at BYU that's fast--but just talking about marriage in general. Well, I guess a little more specific than that. Talking about mutant marriage and interspecies marriage. Lucy's thoughts are along the same lines as Jan's, that the church's opposition to mutant and interspecies marriage is a policy, not doctrine, and that one day it will change. But she's not quite so willing to wait for that to change.

"We could get married civilly now," Lucy told me last night, "then get sealed in the temple when the policy changes."

We were lying on the grass, staring at the stars. I sat up. "I don't think you can have a temple recommend if you do that. I mean, until the policy changes."

Lucy shrugged. "I'd rather do what I know is right and be with the person I love than wait for an unjust policy to change just so I can have a temple recommend."

This seemed so strange coming from Lucy, who just five months ago was a complete Molly Mormon. She still is, in most ways, and I like that about her, but she's also got this rebellious streak to her and I kind of like that too. Well, that's not even it. It's not rebellion. It's more that she's extremely confident about what she believes is right. Most of that lines up with what the church says is right, but she's bold enough to follow her conscience even in those few areas where she doesn't agree with the church. It's not about the organization for her. It's about her relationship with God. I really dig that in a woman.

As for marriage? I don't know. I'm still undecided. Maybe one day I'll be as bold as Lucy.

Three Things

1. I like dating.
2. I like Lucy.
3. I like dating Lucy.

That's all. 

Less Miserable

Had an honest-to-goodness, no-more-holding-back date with Lucy tonight. I invited her over to my place, made beef stroganoff (one of the few things I know how to make well), and then we watched Les Miserables (the recent version with the dude who played Wolverine in that biopic about the X-Men). After the movie we cuddled on the couch for a while and talked. Thankfully, my roommates left us alone. And... she may have just left now, a few minutes after curfew. Shh! Don't tell.

Image source: http://clearlycaneda.wordpress.com/2012/12/28/wolverine-crashes-les-miserables/

Lunch Date

This morning I got a rare and unexpected phone call from Jan. She wanted to know if I'd join her for lunch at UVRMC before she did another healing this afternoon--a teenage boy in critical condition after being hit by a drunk driver. It meant missing a class, but this would be my first chance to see Jan in more than a month, and who knows when I'd get another chance?

I drove to the hospital with all sorts of mixed emotions--anxious to see her again, still angry at her for ditching me without even breaking up, worried that seeing her would make me fall in love all over again, nervous that we'd have nothing in common now that she's dropped out of BYU and is doing the mutant thing full-time. What I wasn't prepared for was that I'd hardly recognize her. I entered the hospital cafeteria and almost walked right past Jan. She was sitting at a table near the door, but she looked nothing like the Jan I knew. Her eyes were sunken into dark circles, her hair pulled back in a ponytail that looked brittle enough to break off if I touched it. She wore gray sweats two sizes too big for her now-frail body. And, to be blunt, she smelled like a homeless person. The Jan I knew was never one for dressing fancy and wearing perfume, but at least she showered regularly and took care of herself. She always smelled nice. I suppose this is what happens when you devote literally your entire life to helping others.

"Hey," I said once I recognized her.

She smiled feebly. "Hey."

I gave her a hug--more than that would have felt awkward after so much time--and offered to go get her some food. She didn't seem strong enough to stand up. Judging by her looks, I expected her to be starving, but once I set the tray down in front of her she just picked at it while we talked. When I asked, she explained that she'd eaten this morning when she woke up from the latest healing coma, and while she was out they had her on an IV so it's not like she was nutrient-deficient. I suspiciously eyed her bony cheeks, usually a healthy tan but now paler than my own pasty white, but said nothing.

Jan told me about the people she had healed--nine in the past month--and I gave her updates on mutual friends from UUPP, her brother, and Lucy. I was careful not to talk too much about Lucy or mention how much time we'd been spending together, but I'm not sure Jan would have cared anyway. She didn't seem especially interested in anything I had to say.

After watching her stare blankly into space for far too long, I finally said, "Jan, I don't think what you're doing is healthy. You look like crap."

For just a second I caught a glimpse of her familiar, sarcastic smile. "Always the charmer, X."

"That reminds me," I said, "I came out on my blog. With my real name and everything. Also in my creative writing class."

Jan nodded. "Cool."

Something about her tone made me feel kind of small and ridiculous--like here I was, proud of myself for telling people I'm a mutant, while she's spending every day of her life actually using her power to make the world a better place. I'm not sure that was her intent, but it was the message I got.

That's when I finally accepted what I've known for a month. "It's over between us, isn't it?"

Jan reached across the table and barely touched my hand. A brief spark of connection passed between us. Then she took her hand back. "I don't think I can be with anyone, X. That's not the purpose God has for me."

I could have argued that no matter the good she was accomplishing, no loving Heavenly Father would want this life for anyone--barely awake long enough between comas to have a meal, then on to the next healing and coma. I could have fought for our relationship. But you know what? I didn't care. For the first time since our relationship actually ended a month ago, I was ready for it to be done. Don't get me wrong--I don't hate Jan. I really do respect what she's trying to do. She has the noblest of intentions and she's more dedicated to her cause than anyone else I know. It's just that I've spent the past month mourning the loss of someone who no longer exists. Jan is gone. I don't think the blog name I gave her even fits anymore. For a brief time she was Jan and I was Mormon X, but now she's Melanie Jensen, the young woman you've seen all over the news as she goes from hospital to hospital healing people, and I'm Ben Christensen, that guy who has a blog that one person at BYU once recognized.

And that's okay. We're different people, going our separate ways. After lunch, we hugged. I went to my Friday afternoon class, and Melanie went to save a young man's life.

DTR

Last night at UUPP, Lucy hardly looked at me. (But to her credit, she came anyway; she's sincerely dedicated to the cause and not just for my sake.) After the meeting she tried to slip away, but I ran to catch up with her. "Hey," I said, "what's going on?"

"Nothing." She laughed bitterly. "Absolutely nothing is going on."

I couldn't help chuckling at the stab she'd taken at me. "Boy, I walked right into that one."

She smiled a little more sincerely and shook her head. "I'm sorry, that's not fair of me. It's not like you owe me anything. If you're not interested, you're not interested. I should be happy just to be your friend." She shrugged. "I guess I feel dumb more than anything. I thought I was getting other signals from you--signals that maybe you'd want to spend Valentine's with me."

I let out a big sigh, which turned to fog and rose up to join the clouds above us. "Then it's me who needs to apologize, Lucy. I probably have been sending mixed signals." I explained that I really do like her--she's pretty and smart and super passionate about the things she believes in (and the fact that one of the things she now believes in is mutant rights is a definite plus)--but I'm not really over Jan yet. We haven't even broken up yet, as far as I know. I told Lucy I don't want to use her as my rebound, and I don't want to date her if half my heart is still with Jan. Lucy told me that she'd always thought I was cute, but she completely fell for me in those months that I was visiting her in the hospital. If she's been over-anxious to jump into a relationship with me, it's because she feels like she's been blessed with this new lease on life and she doesn't know how long it will last, so she wants to make the most of every moment. (Which, incidentally, is another thing I find attractive about her.)

Image source: http://skitguys.com/scripts/item/dtr

So we walked around campus and talked for a while. It was freezing cold, but neither of us cared. It was awesome that we could be completely honest with each other about how we feel. Eventually we decided that for now we should just be friends. She agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea to start something when I still have feelings for Jan. "But don't take too long," she said with a coy smile. "I'm not going to just sit around waiting." We ended the night with a good long hug. A very nice hug.

Today I'm feeling like I actually want to get over Jan. Which is a start, right?

It's Complicated

I think Lucy is upset with me. She avoided me at church yesterday. I get why she's not happy. She likes me, and I blew her off on Valentine's Day. The truth is, I kind of like her too and I could see something happening between us if not for the situation with Jan.

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm angry at Jan. We only dated for a couple of months, but we had something real. We even talked about maybe getting married someday if the church changes its policy on mutant marriage. Then, out of nowhere, she decides she has this calling to heal everyone she can, and she runs off without even considering me. She left school behind, she left all her stuff behind, and she left me behind. She didn't even bother to think about what her leaving would mean to me. She didn't even bother to dump me. She just left. So here I am, feeling like I got dumped but because we never actually broke up I don't feel like I'm really single and free to move on with my life. I used to get annoyed at people who use the "It's Complicated" relationship status on Facebook, like they're trying to make their life more drama-filled than it needs to be. Either you're in a relationship or you're not. It should be simple. Turns out I was wrong.

This is probably insensitive of me to say, but I feel like a widower--like I'm still in a relationship with someone, but she's, as they say, no longer with us. Except I can't really grieve because that would be selfish. Jan is doing the selfless thing, completely giving up her own needs for the greater good. And here I am, the self-centered jerk complaining about not having her in my life. But you know what? It would have been nice if at some point while she's thinking of everyone else in the world, she stopped to think about me for just one second.

And, meanwhile, Lucy is here and Lucy is thinking about me, and I blew her off on Valentine's Day. What am I thinking?

Singles Awareness Day

Lucy asked if I wanted to hang out tonight. Nothing fancy--just watch a movie or play a board game or something. She was very casual in the way she asked, but I'm not stupid. I know what "hanging out" on Valentine's Day means. And it's not that I don't like her or I'm not attracted to her. I like her a lot, actually. But I just feel like spending tonight alone. Most likely thinking about Jan. So I told Lucy no.

How much of a jerk does that make me?

Thoughts From Jan

A guest post:

Jan here. First I need to apologize for the lack of posts this week. That's my fault, X has been spending all his time with me. I guess he likes me more than blogging. :)
Second I want to say that I don't want to hide our relationship. I love X and there's nothing wrong with that. I respect the honor code office and I know I've made mistakes but dating X is not one of them. He is the best part of my life. He makes me want to be a better person. If the honor code office asks I'll tell them that. If I get kicked out of BYU then so be it. God will lead me where I need to go.
Third I want to say to all the mutant couples out there who lost your right to be married this week that I support you. I know my church doesn't approve of mutant marriage and I support my church but I also support the right of everyone to choose. Trust in God and He'll take care of you. No enemy will prevail.
Fourth I want you to know that X is super cute. I've read every post and he never mentions that. He won't let me post a picture of him so I'm going to post a picture of another cute boy and you can just imagine that it's X.

Shh!

Um. This is difficult. I really want to tell you who showed up at my door Sunday night, but I need to be careful not to say anything incriminating. This blog is still technically anonymous and everyone has a pseudonym, but anyone who knows me or is familiar with recent events in my life--say, for example, people from the Honor Code Office--would have no problem connecting the dots. So I'll just say that life is good again.

That's all. I'm going to return to enjoying my good life now.

Steadying the Ark

Spent yesterday feeling bad for being so negative and critical. I like BYU, I know the Honor Code Office exists for a reason, and it's not my job to tell them how to do theirs. And above all, I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that this is the true church and that the priesthood restored through Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery is the only true and legitimate power of God. Reading over some of my posts from the past few weeks, I'm not sure that testimony comes across, so I want to make it clear. I do have my doubts now and then, but I do my best to follow Elder Uchtdorf's counsel to doubt my doubts.

This morning I took Brother Simmons' advice and confessed to my bishop that I had acted out on my mutant power last week. He was very kind and understanding, and assured me that Heavenly Father loves me and had already forgiven me. I told him about my (now-defunct) relationship with Jan too, since her bishop had been so concerned about us dating. My bishop says that while he understands the other bishop's concern and Jan should definitely follow her priesthood leader's counsel, he doesn't think it's necessarily a bad thing for me to date, even to date other mutants. He reminded me that it is not good for man to be alone, that it's natural to want companionship and to want someone special in my life. While the Church currently does not condone mutant marriage (yes, he used the word "currently"), he thinks it's healthy for me to form positive relationships with members of the opposite sex, so long as we respect appropriate boundaries. He even said it makes sense for me to date other LDS mutants, since they cannot marry either and we can support each other in our goals to control our powers righteously.

I left that meeting with my bishop on a spiritual high. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and that he will prepare a way for me to find happiness within his kingdom.

Thirteen Things I Miss About Jan

1. She smells like coconut and lime. I'm sure it's perfume or body lotion (more likely the latter), but in my mind the scent is intrinsically associated with her.
2. She doesn't wear make-up. She doesn't need it.
3. When she thinks something is really funny, she laughs like a barking seal. 
4. She calls me "X." If I quote other people calling me "X" here on the blog, I'm just substituting for my real name, but she liked the nickname enough to use it in real life. 
5. She's a great listener.
6. Once she's done listening, she tells me why I'm being dumb.
7. She's good at taking problems apart and finding ways to fix them. Comes with being an engineer, I guess.
8. She makes me see the world differently than I ever had before.
9. She's not afraid to get her hands dirty.
10. But usually her hands are clean. 
11. She slurps her noodles. Because that's how they do it in Japan. Never mind that she does this with spaghetti as much as with ramen.
12. She lets me open the door for her, but then she opens the next door for me.
13. She is the missing piece in my puzzle.

Got this text from Jan today:

"HCO put me on probation. Cant see you anymore."

And I guess that's it.

Living On The Edge

Jan spoke to her bishop this morning. Confessed using her power to heal me, Chenry, and Tara the other day. He thanked her for confessing, assured her it was the right thing to do, but didn't seem to think it justified lessening the punishment in any way. He said he's going to report her to the Honor Code Office, which means she'll probably be kicked out of BYU. As if that weren't enough, he's going to talk with the stake president to see whether this warrants a disciplinary council. He said her transgression is more serious because she's a returned missionary and temple recommend holder, so she's broken more serious covenants than the average kid who accidentally uses his mutant power. Oh, and she's no longer a temple recommend holder; he took care of that.

I'm furious at this man and I don't even know him. Also, I feel guilty for being angry at someone who was called of God, who's just doing his job. Who am I to say he's wrong? I just wish he'd see it's not her fault. She was only trying to help me. But I guess that's part of the problem. She mentioned me, and that we were dating, and he said that concerns him even more. He said it's a sign that her using her power on Tuesday wasn't an isolated incident, but that it's part of a broader tendency toward rebellion. According to him, even if dating another mutant isn't technically wrong, it's living as close to the edge as we possibly can, and we're bound to tumble into the abyss. Maybe he's right.

But still, as Jan told me all this via instant message, all I wanted to do was hug her, to hold her tight and never let go. Now I'm wondering if I will ever see her again.

On the Sidelines of History

A Facebook conversation between me and Jan this afternoon:

X: Did you see the news? Utah's mutant marriage ban was ruled unconstitutional! http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/57291925-78/ban-judge-sex-court.html.csp

Jan: hurray

X: ...

X: Hard to read tone on Facebook. Was that excited or sarcastic?

X: Jan? You still there?

Jan: im here

Jan: readng the article

Jan: have you reloaded it in the past couple of minues?

Jan: it's been updated

X: Really? No, I don't think I have.

Jan: the church made a statement

Jan: "The church has been consistent in its support of traditional marriage while teaching that all people should be treated with respect," said spokesman Cody Craynor. "This ruling by a district court will work its way through the judicial process. We continue to believe that voters in Utah did the right thing by providing clear direction in the state constitution that marriage should be between humans, and we are hopeful that this view will be validated by a higher court."

X: Oh, right. I see that now.

X: But you aren't surprised, are you? I mean, you know as well as I do that that's the Church's position.

Jan: I know

Jan: it's jsut depressing

Jan: on the news they're showing hundreds of mutant couoples and mixed-species couples at the court in slc

Jan: but nothing changes for us

Jan: for you and me

X: Well, no, but, remember what you said that night at the bell tower? The Church's policy on mutant marriage is just that--policy. It's not doctrine. It'll change.

X: And we can wait until it does.

Jan: I know

Jan: I just

Jan: I don't know

X: I guess it does still suck for us, doesn't it?

X: The law can change, but for us, nothing changes.

Jan: no

X: :(

Jan: :(

Jan: but i guess we can be happy for other peole

Jan: wanna go up to slc and see all the couples getting married?

X: :)

X: I like the way you think. Let's do it!

This afternoon at the county clerk building.
Photo credit: Clint Martin

So we did. Jan had a 4:00 class, but she ditched it. And we had fun. The energy at the county clerk building was amazing. So many couples, in love and excited for the chance to be legally married. And even more supporters. I have to admit, I was tempted to get down on my knees, propose, and get in line for a marriage license, but I resisted. When it's time for mutants to share in the blessings of marriage, God will let us know through his prophet. So tonight, Jan and I just held hands and watched. "Someday," she said, "that'll be us."

Someday.

Girlfriend

So. Jan and I are officially dating now. As in, we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes, we only met one week ago. But this is BYU. People get engaged in less time. Maybe we'd be that crazy too, if, you know, getting married weren't against our religion. Jan assures me that we're not violating Church doctrine or BYU policy or God's will or anything by dating. True, the For The Strength Of Youth pamphlet offers vague counsel to "only date young men or women whom you might one day be sealed to in the temple," which everyone knows is a reference to not dating mutants, but that's just counsel, not an out-and-out commandment. According to Jan, at least. And honestly, she didn't have to try all that hard to convince me. Is it pathetic that Jan is the first girlfriend I've ever had, and I'm twenty-four years old? I never thought it was an option. But then Jan is opening my mind to a lot of new possibilities.

Keeping Both Feet On The Ground

I hung out with Jan again last night. I picked her up after her Thursday night engineering women's club meeting and we drove to Village Inn for some pie. This made for a much warmer date than the previous night's walk in the snow. I apologized for the flying incident, and for freaking out and not really talking to her after that. She told me she understood--she knows it's hard not to use your mutant powers, that sometimes it happens without you even realizing. She also understands why it freaked me out and why it took me a day to calm down enough to talk about it. She alluded to a time she used her power and ended up ruining her relationship with her dad. She didn't offer any more detail than that, and I respected her wish not to talk more about her power. She promised she'd do what she could to help me abstain from flying--that we could help each other resist the temptation to use our powers.

I started to tell her the latest about Lucy, but she stopped me because she'd already read about it here on the blog. She told me it's awfully egotistical of me to assume Lucy's illness has anything to do with me. This is Lucy's challenge, not mine. If I want to help Lucy, she said, I should stop thinking as if the world revolves around me and start thinking of things from Lucy's perspective: How is Lucy feeling now? What does she need from her friends? And, of course, Jan is right. I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and start worrying about others. Being a Mormon mutant has its challenges, but at least I have my whole life ahead of me. Thinking about what Lucy is going through now really puts everything in perspective.

Jan also told me that if I'm going to keep writing about her on my blog, I need to stop making her out to be some perfect angel. It's not fair to put her on a pedestal, she says, and it's sexist. So in an attempt to be more feminist, I will tell you that after she finished her French silk pie, Jan belched loud enough to make people all over the restaurant turn and look. She laughed and so did I, but I have to admit I felt pretty embarrassed. She also comes across as a know-it-all sometimes. And she snorts when she laughs. But I still think she's awesome. Sorry if that's sexist.

We talked until Village Inn closed, then I drove Jan home. It took us a good half-hour to... ahem... say good night, but I stayed safely buckled in my seat the whole time. It was like Flight Lite--same emotional high, zero guilt.

Forbidden Fruit

My hands are shaking so bad it's hard to type. I am not a good person.

Jan, being the laid-back zen goddess she is, forgave me for being late to our date. We didn't have set plans--we just met at the Wilk, grabbed a bite to eat at the CougarEat, and talked. I told her about this afternoon's hospital visit. I told her about my family. I told her a couple of funny stories from my mission. Jan told me about her mission (she served in Chile). She told me about this club for female engineering students she's in (apparently there aren't many of them). She told me about the first time she confessed to her bishop that she has a mutant power.

By this point we were done with dinner and were just walking around campus. Holding hands. It was dark and freezing cold (today's high was 23 degrees!) and her hand felt warm in mine. "Do you mind if I ask," I said, "what your mutant power is?" Since I'm new to this whole talking-to-other-mutants thing, I wasn't sure whether it's okay to ask that.

Jan looked away. "I'm sorry," she said, "I'd rather not talk about it. My power is... really bad."

"Worse than flying?" I asked with half a smile.

"Like, blasphemous-bad."

I tell you this so that you understand what kind of person Jan is. She draws clear boundaries between right and wrong, and doesn't cross those boundaries. She has a strong sense of reverence, and a great deal of respect for the prophets. I tell you this so you'll have an open mind and won't judge her when I tell you about what happened later. I am the only one here who deserves judgment, not Jan.

Photo credit: http://derekhullphotography.blogspot.com/

Much later, after several hours of wandering around campus and chatting, we found ourselves at the bell tower by the Marriott Center. Thanks to the ridiculously cold weather there was not another soul in sight. I'd been having such a good time talking with Jan, though, that I hardly noticed the cold. Standing below the bell tower, Jan took both of my hands and smiled. "This is nice. Talking to you is like talking to myself. Except taller, and with a deeper voice."

I laughed, then sighed. "It makes me a little sad, though."

"Sad?"

"Because nothing can ever come of it. You know, with the Church's stance on mutant marriage."

Jan shook her head. "I don't believe that for a minute. The Church's position on mutant marriage is policy, not doctrine. It'll change."

I blinked. I didn't know what to think. I knew some people believed what she was saying, but I'd always thought those were semi-apostate Mormons on the fringes; not active, faithful, BYU-attending Mormons.

Jan laughed. "I'm not saying they're going to revoke the Priesthood Proclamation or anything. I have a testimony of that. But the marriage thing is just a policy that was created in a time when there wasn't a good way to ensure that mutants who married didn't have children and pass on the mutant gene. Nowadays, it wouldn't be that complicated for a woman with mutant powers to get her tubes tied, or for a man to get a vasectomy. Then we could adopt. Problem solved."

"We?"

"Mutants. Us."

This conversation was getting scary. Scary because after this afternoon I wanted to stay as close to the iron rod as possible, and that meant not questioning the General Authorities. And scary because what she was saying made my heart race with excitement. The thought of being able to get married someday, after years of accepting that it could never happen, was invigorating. "So what are you saying? It's okay to ignore what the GAs say and get married anyway, because it's just policy and not doctrine?"

"No. I'll wait until the Church changes its policy before I get married. But in the meantime I can plan ahead. And if I do find the right guy, we can wait together." She grinned.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I closed the gap between Jan and me. I wrapped my arms around her back and pulled her lips into mine. I've kissed girls before--mostly in high school before I accepted that I was a mutant and could never marry--but never someone I felt such a strong connection with. As Jan and I kissed, it was like our souls touched. Never had I felt anything so powerful.

After a few minutes of bliss, Jan pulled away and smiled. "This is amazing."

"Thanks," I said, laughing. "You're not bad yourself."

She shook her head. "That was a great kiss, don't get me wrong, but that's not what I meant. I meant this." She pointed down with her chin.

I followed her gaze to the top of the bell tower, at least twenty-five feet below us. I swore. I willed us down to the ground so fast that we both fell over when we landed on the concrete. "I'm sorry, Jan. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she insisted. "It was an acci--"

"It's late. I should walk you home."

So, yeah. Now I'm flying not just in my daydreams, not just when I'm asleep, but when I'm wide awake. And the worst part? My hands aren't trembling because I'm so deeply ashamed of my sin. They're trembling because it's taking every ounce of willpower I have to keep from doing it again.

The Date

Tonight I had my date with Lucy. Neither of us had anything going on this afternoon and we were both still full from Thanksgiving, so we did an early showing of Catching Fire, then grabbed dinner at Five Guys afterward. The movie was awesome--or at least the parts I saw were. I spent a lot of the movie focusing on Lucy's hand, which spent the first hour inching closer and closer to mine. I would have just reached out and grabbed it sooner, but I was worried about leading her on when there can never be anything real between us. Maybe that's okay with her--maybe she's not looking for an eternal companion right now, just someone to hang out with--but she should know what she's getting into up front. But I couldn't very well ask the theater to put the movie on pause while I explain to Lucy that I'm a mutant so handholding is as far as she can go with me. And her fingers were brushing up against mine, begging me to hold them, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to. Every touch of her pinky sent a wave of electricity through my entire body. So finally I gave in. I took her hand in mine and squeezed tight. I didn't dare look, but out of the corner of my eye I saw her smile. I didn't let go for the rest of the movie--not even when my arm fell asleep because of the stupid uncomfortable armrest. By the way, Catching Fire is a long movie.

I held onto her hand through the credits, as we waited to see if there was a post-credits scene (FYI there wasn't) and to see if they played Lorde's remake of "Everybody Wants To Rule The World", which Lucy loves and is on the movie soundtrack (FYI they didn't). I held onto her hand as we walked out of the theater and across the parking lot to Five Guys. I held onto her hand while we both ordered our burgers--she got hers with bacon. I finally let go of her hand when it was time to pay, and she got her wallet out. I let her pay because I'd paid for the movie, and I don't want to be one of those guys who can't handle it when a girl pays.

While we ate she told me about her major--accounting. I've always found math boring, but she was actually getting excited talking about the classes she's in, and you've got to respect someone who's so passionate about her major. She told me about how her family converted to the church when she was in junior high, and about her brother who's on a mission now. She has a really strong testimony of the church, which I also respect. And she's got these really pretty green eyes. We were done with our food but still sitting there, talking, and I was totally falling for her. Then she started asking about me. And I was feeling guilty about not telling her about myself before holding her hand, so I did it. I told her that I have a mutant power.

I didn't speak loudly enough for anyone but Lucy to hear me, but I swear the entire restaurant went silent in that moment. Lucy's face turned pale. She even scooted back in her seat, away from me.

I quickly explained that I still believe in the church and I'm not going to act on my mutant powers, but I just wanted to share with her this challenge I have. She nodded a few times and made a few polite comments, but then suddenly she had a stomach ache and asked me to take her home.

Argh. What was I thinking? Just because two people responded well to me coming out this week, it doesn't mean that's how everyone will take it. Being a mutant is not normal. It's not something normal people talk about--certainly not on a first date. Really, I barely know Lucy. I've been home teaching her for three months. I say hi to her when I see her at church. And then all of a sudden, I'm dumping all my baggage on her? Well, at least this way I don't have to worry about girls wanting to marry me.