Happy

Today was supposed to be my graduation from BYU, but of course that's not happening. I was feeling pretty depressed about that this morning, together with Jan being gone and Lucy breaking up with me, so I did what I usually do when I'm feeling down: I went for a jog. I suppose that's one benefit of all those years of ex-mutant therapy I went through--I've developed some good coping strategies for when life feels overwhelming.

It was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining, just a little bit of wind to keep things cool, and Provo was full of happy people either graduating or taking off for summer vacation. I had a hard time getting going at first. Each step felt like I was lifting a ton, which is no surprise with all the emotional baggage I was carrying. I had to force myself to lift my foot off the ground each time. As minutes passed and I pushed myself forward, my steps grew lighter. It became easier and easier to push off the ground. My stride grew longer and longer. Eventually, I realized I wasn't even touching the ground anymore. My first impulse was to force myself back down, but I smiled as it dawned on me that I no longer have any reason to hold back. I waved goodbye to the sidewalk, looked up at the beautiful blue sky, and flew toward it.

Five months ago, it took all the courage I had to admit that I'm a mutant. Since then, I've been gathering up the courage to actually be a mutant. To be me. At first I insisted on calling myself Mormon X because the Mormon part of me was more important than the X, the mutant. Over time, I realized the Mormon part was obscuring who I really am, and gradually the X became more important. Perhaps, for a time, I was X-Mormon. That very quickly became ex-Mormon. But you know what? I don't really want to be defined by "Mormon" anymore. And honestly, "X" doesn't cover it either. I used to be Mormon, and that will probably always be part of who I am. I am a mutant, and that's also part of who I am. But that's not all of it. I'm Ben. I'm a guy who, among other things, can fly. I'm a college student and a writer. I'm a son, a brother, an ex-boyfriend, someone's future boyfriend, someone's future husband, someone's future father. There are facets of who I am that I haven't even begun to imagine.

As I've started this process of self-discovery, it's been helpful to sort it all out here on this blog. It's been great to meet others like me and see the different paths they've taken, to get a glimpse at the infinite number of possibilities available to me. But I'm at a point now where, for a while at least, I need to do this on my own. Maybe I'll blog again someday, but this will be the last post of Mormon X. That chapter of my life is over, and it's time for me to move on to something else.

As I soared through the air this morning, the song that I couldn't get out of my head was Pharrell Williams's "Happy." An odd choice, I know, for someone whose ex-girlfriend died, who got expelled from college, and whose girlfriend then dumped him, all within two weeks, but the truth is it's impossible to be up there, weightless and miles above any cares in the world, and not feel happy. After years of forcing myself to keep my feet on the ground, the thrill of finally cutting loose and enjoying the gift I was born with made me laugh with joy.

This, I thought as I sped through the air, the cold wind rushing by and the hot sun on my back, this is who I am.

Apology

I'm sorry I swore. As I've mentioned before, I'm really not one to swear. Take that as a sign of what a horrible week I've had.

I'm not sorry for what I said about Brother Simmons. I'm not taking the post down and I'm not taking back anything I've said. Even if it costs me my college degree, I don't care. All that matters to me is the truth. That's what Jan deserves. It's what I deserve. If I have to suffer the consequences of being honest, then so be it.

Lessons Learned

I'm blogging again because Brother Simmons at the Honor Code Office told me to. Yesterday at the daily check-in that we've been having since I was put on academic probation last week, I had to apologize for missing Monday's check-in because I'd been overwhelmed by Jan's death and not able to do much of anything at all. Brother Simmons already knew about Jan--he'd seen it in the news. "I'm really sorry for your loss," he said. "It's tragic to think what she could have done with her life if she hadn't thrown it away trying to push the mutant agenda."

My mouth dropped open. Was I actually hearing this? Putting the lives of others before your own is "trying to push the mutant agenda"? Really?

"Perhaps," he went on, "you can make the best of this tragic situation by learning from it and helping others do the same. Instead of using your blog to lead others away from the church, why don't you get back on there and tell people what you've learned from Jan's death?"

So here I am. I've spent the past day thinking about what I've learned from Jan's death, and this is what I've come up with:

1. I learned that Jan was an amazing, selfless human being--even more than I realized when she was alive.
2. I learned that life is short so we need to make the most of it now. If we wait for later, there might not be a later. Jan died younger than most but at least she made a positive impact on the world while she was here. I should do the same. 
3. I learned that my belief in an afterlife is not as solid as it used to be. Maybe if I were sure that I'd see Jan again someday, I'd be able to handle this better, but I can't lie to myself, even if the lie might be comforting. The truth is, I have no idea what happens after death and I don't believe anyone really knows. Which sucks right now, but in the long run I think it will help me do better with #2. If there's an afterlife, then great, but in the meantime I need to make the most of the life I know I have. 
4. I learned that sometimes really shitty things happen to really great people. But that's no reason not to do good. It's not about earning a reward; it's about doing good because you want to make the world a better place. 

And finally,

     5.  I learned that Brother Simmons at the Honor Code Office is a heartless prick.

I hope you're reading this, Brother Simmons. I assume this is what you had in mind? 

Mo' Mutants, Mo' Problems

Longtime readers with a sharp eye for detail (and who care about these things) may have noticed an addition to my sidebar: I've added a link to the MoMu Directory.

To any new readers who came from the MoMu Directory, welcome!

MoMu, if you're not familiar with the term, is short for "Mormon Mutant." I'm more a fan of "Latter-day Mutant" myself, but I'm biased because that's the term I made up. Still, doesn't "MoMu" sound ridiculous? Alas, the interwebs have spoken, and MoMu it is. As I learned back in November, there is a significant online community of people who have some level of affiliation (current or past) with the LDS church and who have mutant abilities.

Honestly, it's kind of overwhelming. In the first place, five months ago I thought I was the only one in the world. Not literally, but it sure felt like it. And now, reading through the oodles and oodles of MoMu blogs out there, I feel like everyone is a Mormon mutant. I seriously wonder sometimes if every single person on the planet is a mutant, but only a small percentage of us admit it. It's a ridiculous thought, I know, but still the sheer number of Mormon mutants out there makes me feel at once comforted and... I dunno... unspecial.

All those MoMu blogs are overwhelming in another way too. I see all the different ways people choose to reconcile their faith with their mutant power, and I get selection anxiety. There are active Mormons who "struggle with UPP," angry ex-Mormons who openly identify as mutants, and everything in between. To make it worse, it seems everyone is convinced that their way is the right way. How the heck am I supposed to decide what I'm going to do?

I can't tell you how much time and energy I spend stressing about this. I can't concentrate on school because in a month school will be done and I'm going to have to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm going to have to choose who I'm going to be, and suddenly I feel unprepared. Four years of college and even my two years of missionary service did not get me ready for this. But, as I keep reminding myself, I can't make this decision now, precisely because I'll be done with school in a month. I have papers to write, books to read, finals to study for. If I want to graduate, the rest of my life will have to wait.

Famous

Today I was walking by the SWKT and some random guy stopped me. "Hey, is your name Ben... um, sorry, can't remember the last name... Petersen? Johnson?"

I nodded hesitantly. "Yes, I'm Ben. It's Christensen."

"Right, that's it! Christensen!" He laughed and patted my shoulder as if we were old friends, but his face did not ring a bell for me in the slightest. "You're Mormon X. I totally read your blog. Rock on, man!"

So it's just barely been a week since I came out with my real name and face, and now a total of... wait, let me count... one person has recognized me.* I'm totally a celebrity.

Image source: http://www.backdropsbeautiful.com/hollywood-backdrops/paparazzi-celebrity--6.html

*Not counting the woman who wrote this, but she seems to have me confused with someone else. 

Waiting...

I'm waiting for all heck to break loose after posting my real name and face here yesterday, but so far nothing. I'm left wondering if it really is a non-issue or if it's a ticking time bomb getting ready to explode in my face any minute now. Most likely scenario is that no one who knows me in real life reads this blog and everyone else is like, "Oh, hey, it's... some guy I don't know." I guess the next step is for me to come out to people who actually know me. Maybe post a link to yesterday's post on my personal Facebook page?

Thoughts From Jan

A guest post:

Jan here. First I need to apologize for the lack of posts this week. That's my fault, X has been spending all his time with me. I guess he likes me more than blogging. :)
Second I want to say that I don't want to hide our relationship. I love X and there's nothing wrong with that. I respect the honor code office and I know I've made mistakes but dating X is not one of them. He is the best part of my life. He makes me want to be a better person. If the honor code office asks I'll tell them that. If I get kicked out of BYU then so be it. God will lead me where I need to go.
Third I want to say to all the mutant couples out there who lost your right to be married this week that I support you. I know my church doesn't approve of mutant marriage and I support my church but I also support the right of everyone to choose. Trust in God and He'll take care of you. No enemy will prevail.
Fourth I want you to know that X is super cute. I've read every post and he never mentions that. He won't let me post a picture of him so I'm going to post a picture of another cute boy and you can just imagine that it's X.

Me, Literarily

I ran into an old friend this morning at another friend's piano recital. This is someone I've known for almost fourteen years now, who's read a lot of my writing, from the really crappy stuff I wrote in high school to the not-quite-so-crappy stuff I've written in college. She mentioned a book she'd recently read about blogging, then added with a smile, "I thought you might be interested in, you know, people who write secret blogs and stuff." I laughed and asked how she knew--whether it was some detail of my life that I'd mentioned. She said it wasn't so much the details as the writing style. My voice, I guess. It was nice to chat with her, and reassuring to hear from someone who knows me so well that she recognized me from the way I write. I suppose my fear is that in accepting my mutant identity, I am becoming a different person, so I'll gladly accept evidence that I am fundamentally still the same me.

My friend also told me that she had seen my blog linked from a review of Mormon literature at the AML blog. The snooty English major in me wants to say, "Excuse me, sir, I know literature, and this blog is no literature," but the rest of me is just flattered to have people noticing me. I guess now I'll have to be more, like, literary and stuff.

Are you impressed by my mad Photoshop skillz?

Moving Up In The World

When you Google "mormon mutant," I'm totally the eighth result. Go me!

Oops

I just woke up with the terrifying realization that I've made a complete and utter fool of myself. Greg has told me he reads this blog. There's a good chance his sister does as well. You know, the sister who is also a mutant, who I met last night and then gushed here on this blog about how hot she is? Yeah, that one.

I've gotten so used to hiding behind the anonymity of Mormon X that I've forgotten I'm not completely anonymous anymore. I'm such a dork.

So, yeah. Hi Jan! See you tonight? I hope?

Facebook

Just a quick update: I'm on Facebook! Please like my page at https://www.facebook.com/mormonx. I'm hoping this will help me get my message out there to more people.

Robots vs. Mutants

If you're reading this, chances are you clicked over here from one of the comments I've left around the Bloggernacle in the past few days. (Or possibly Facebook; Blogger tells me I have some people coming from Facebook, which suggests that someone has linked to me there, which is awesome, but I have no idea who linked to me. If you came here from Facebook, please tell the person who linked me "thank you" on my behalf. Also, I need to get on Facebook. I mean, as Mormon X. I'm already on Facebook under my real name, of course--I'm not living under a rock.) At any rate, I've been whoring myself out around the Bloggernacle, trying to let people know I'm here. Basically, I'm like one of those bots that goes around leaving spam comments, except for three differences: 1. I actually read the posts I'm commenting on. 2. I only comment if I actually have something to say about the post. 3. I don't explicitly tell people to come to my site--I just hope they'll be curious enough to find out who this Mormon X guy is. I suppose a fourth difference between me and spambots might be that I'm human, but that's debatable. I like to think of myself as human, but I think science is now saying mutants are a completely different species. Yuck. Anyway, I keep going on tangents today. I was telling you about how I'm shamelessly promoting myself, but I like to think it's for a good cause. I'm here talking because I believe God wants me to be heard, so there's no point if no one's listening. I mean, if I write about a tree falling on a blog that no one reads, does it make a sound?

Honestly, I didn't even know the Bloggernacle existed until three days ago. It's easy when you eat, sleep, and breathe BYU to believe in this monolithic version of Mormonism, that we're all good little Mormonbots who have exactly the same thoughts and feelings. Which kind of sucks when you're different. But it turns out there are all kinds of Mormons out there, with all kinds of ideas about different things. And hey, guess what? I'm not the only Mormon mutant out there. On Thursday I read about a Mormon woman who just recently came out as a mutant. I get the impression she's still in the process of figuring out whether to stay in the church or live a mutant lifestyle, or something between those two options. I also happened upon a website that's all about believing Latter-day Saints who have mutant abilities. There's a even a Mormon guy who has come out as mutant (but doesn't act on his mutant tendencies) and blogs about it using his real name and face--and his non-mutant wife is totally cool with it. (Okay, maybe I am living under a rock. Apparently this guy is super-famous and I had no idea because until recently I was doing my best to avoid all things mutant.)

So, moral of the story? I'm not alone. I'm not quite so sure what the point of this blog is, then, but I know it's what God wants me to be doing right now. I guess I'm just adding my voice to others, testifying that it's okay to be mutant and that you can still live according to God's plan. I'm more sure than ever now that God loves me just the way I am, so if I can share that message with even one person who needs to hear it, then I'll consider this venture a success.

What's In A Name?

In my last post, I talked about being brave. The truth is, it's not tremendously brave of me to talk about being a mutant (wow, did I just say that like it's no big deal, like saying I'm blue-eyed or that I like pizza?) when I'm doing it anonymously on a blog no one is likely to read. I considered using my real name, but the stakes are too high. I'm set to graduate from BYU in April and I can't afford to get kicked out now. Even though I don't believe I'm doing anything wrong, I'm not sure the Honor Code Office would agree, so I need to play it safe.

Which meant I needed to come up with a pseudonym. There are a lot of pieces that make up my identity--BYU student, son, brother, English major, aspiring writer--but the two aspects I knew I'd be focusing on here are the fact that I'm a Mormon and the fact that I'm a mutant. I considered Mormon Mutant, but I'm not crazy about the way it sounds. Also, it's just a little too "in your face" for me. And I got to thinking about the X-Men and Professor X, who are pretty much synonymous with the mutant rights movement. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to associate myself with them because that's not really what I'm about, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I am. Maybe I don't believe in using my powers the way they do, but I do believe that mutants should be treated fairly, that we shouldn't be ridiculed simply because of the way we were born. I stand for my right to be a mutant the way I want to be, and I figure I have as much claim to the "X" as anyone.

So I very briefly considered X-Mormon, but that sounds too much like "ex-Mormon," which is what too many people are going to assume anyway--that if I'm an "out" mutant then I must not be an active member of the church anymore. And really, even though both the Mormon and the mutant are parts of me, they aren't equally important. Like I said last night, the Mormon part comes first. Hence, Mormon X.

Welcome to my complicated life.

Brave

I’m trying to be brave, but honestly I’m terrified. Okay, here goes: I am—

No, I’m not going to start with that. That’s not what comes first. This is what comes first: I am a Mormon. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that my Redeemer lives and that by his grace we are made whole. I believe that Christ restored his true church to the earth nearly two hundred years ago, through the prophet Joseph Smith. I believe that through him the keys of the priesthood were returned to humankind, and that priesthood power is God’s power. Anything else is counterfeit. I sustain Thomas S. Monson, the living prophet, and I know that “The Priesthood: A Proclamation to the World” is God’s word. I have a testimony that “priesthood power is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”

And I wish that were all. I wish with all my heart I could stop there. But there’s more. The other part is incredibly hard for me to say, and in fact I’ve never said it before—not publicly, not like this—but just as I know that the Lord lives, I know this is what he wants me to do. I’ve been toying with the idea for a few months now, but the confirmation came today while I was walking across BYU campus, listening to my iPod (okay, I admit, I’m a little antisocial). The Sara Bareilles song “Brave” came on, and when she sang these words, it was as the voice of God speaking directly to me:

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

I stopped walking, right there between the library and the JFSB. I think a girl bumped into me because I’d stopped so suddenly. But I wasn’t paying attention to anyone around me. All I could do was listen to Sara Bareilles telling me to say what I wanna say, to let the words fall out, to be brave. I need to talk about this because, as much as it feels like I’m the only person in the world who feels this way, I know I can’t be. And if others feel as alone as I do, then maybe Heavenly Father can speak to them through me, to let them know he loves them, just as he’s let me know that. 

Okay, now I’m ready to say it. This is the other part, the part I couldn’t say before: I’m a mutant. Yes, you read that right. I’m a mutant, and I’m also a Mormon. Now, I know that’s not the terminology I’m supposed to use. Believe me, I know. I’ve been seeing counselors at LDS Family Services for the past seven years (apart from the two I was on a mission) in order to overcome my “unnatural power proclivity” or “UPP.” But I hate those terms. That’s not who I am. I am a mutant. For whatever reason, I have powers that humans are not meant to have. I didn’t do anything to get these powers; I just have them. Does that mean I’m going to run out and join the X-Men? No, of course not. To do so would be to betray the other part of me, the first part. First, I am a Mormon. Like Nephi, I was born of goodly parents, and I know that any power that does not come from God, that is not priesthood power, comes from the Adversary. It’s hard sometimes, knowing I have this power at my fingertips and choosing not to use it, but I know that as I continue to put my faith in God, he will give me the strength I need to resist temptation. With God, all things are possible. 

I know this isn’t a popular position. I’m as afraid of backlash from my fellow mutants as I am from my fellow Mormons. To my brothers and sisters in the mutant community, let me assure you that I support your right to exercise your mutant powers according to your beliefs, so long as you aren’t hurting anyone. But as for me, I will follow the Lord’s path. The only power I need is priesthood power.