Separate Paths

Lucy didn't have any finals this morning (and I'm not allowed to take finals), so she came over to my place and suggested we go for a walk. The weather wasn't quite as nice as it was yesterday, but still pretty nice. (This afternoon it's turned gray and windy, which as you'll see in a moment is thematically appropriate.)

We walked east, toward Y Mountain, holding hands. "I've been thinking about our conversation last night," Lucy said. "I love you and I support you in whatever decisions you feel good about--you need to follow your path, not mine--but if your path takes you out of the church, I can't go with you."

I frowned. "I don't expect you to leave the church for me, Lucy."

"I know. But I mean I can't go with you on this journey you're about to embark on. You need to figure out school, who you are as a mutant, who you are as a person. I would love to be there with you, to figure it all out together, but if you need to leave the church in order to do it, I can't. You'll need to do it alone."

"What?" I stopped walking, forcing Lucy to stop and face me. "You're dumping me because I'm not Mormon anymore? Does leaving the church suddenly make me a bad person? I thought we were beyond that kind of black-and-white thinking."

Still holding my right hand, Lucy took my left hand as well. "Ben, stop reacting to what you think I'm saying and start listening to what I am saying. You're planning to move out of state. I've told you before that I won't move with you unless we're married. And I'm sorry, but I can't marry a non-member. Marriage is hard enough as it is. We would already be an interspecies couple, which I'm fine with, but you add interfaith on top of that and we'd be setting ourselves up to lose. I love you, Ben, but I can't marry you."

"Then I'll stay in Utah and we can keep dating while I figure things out. Maybe I can transfer to the U."

"And then what? I hold onto the hope that you'll come back to the church? You hold onto the hope that I'll leave or that I'll give in and marry you anyway? And meanwhile, I'm holding you back. There's nothing for you in Utah. You need to get out of here."

"But--" But I had no argument. Lucy was right. I would have come to the same conclusion eventually, but Lucy, always thinking ahead, got there first. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into me. We stood like that, hugging and crying, for I don't know how long.

Finally, we wiped away the tears and continued our walk. We still held hands--I wasn't ready to let go yet--but now we walked in silence. When we got back to my place, Lucy gave me a quick kiss and said, "You better not make me read your blog to keep up on your life. If I don't get regular updates, I'll fly out to Seattle and wring them from you personally."

I grinned. "Then I just might have to fall behind on sending you updates."

Conference Weekend: Day 1

Started out this morning with Lucy's mom's amazing breakfast casserole, and then I slipped into another room to start my fast with a prayer before Conference started. For the most part, it was a good day. I enjoyed listening to the talks, enjoyed spending the day with Lucy and her family, and through most of the day I felt peaceful.

The only uncomfortable moment came during Elder Andersen's talk this morning: "While many governments and well-meaning individuals have redefined marriages, the Lord has not. In the very beginning, God initiated marriage between humans — Adam and Eve. He designated the purposes of marriage to go far beyond the personal satisfaction and fulfillment of adults, to more importantly, advancing the ideal setting for children to be born, reared and nurtured."

I suddenly felt all eyes in the room on me and Lucy--her dad, her mom, her siblings. Lucy has been open with them about the fact that I'm a mutant but that that won't stop her from marrying me. With everyone staring at me, I scooted away from Lucy on the couch, just an inch. Lucy didn't seem to react at all. Nobody said anything, and the talk went on.

From my perspective, there are two ways to see this:

1. Elder Andersen is right. Children should be raised in human families, not mutant or mixed families, and therefore it would be selfish of me and Lucy to get married. Even if we were to adopt so I don't pass on my mutant gene, children deserve to have human parents.

2. Elder Andersen is wrong. Mutants can be just as good at parenting as humans, and therefore it's okay for us to marry and have children. The kids will be just fine.

Research supports #2, but the church seems to be sticking firmly with #1. Elder Andersen would probably say that researchers are biased. Lucy would argue that #2 can be true and the church can still be true at the same time, but I just don't see it that way. Sure, I get that church leaders are human and capable of mistakes, but would God really let them lead the church astray on something this big? Marriage and family are quintessential to the Plan of Salvation. If God is truly at the head of the church, I can't imagine that he would let them be wrong on this.

So either #1 is true and I will have to give up the hope of getting married and having a family, or #2 is true and I need to get out of the church. Which is it? I don't know. I guess I need to keep fasting and praying.

Throwing the Baby Out With the Bathwater

I really don't have time for these conversations right now.

Lucy: I don't want to break up.
Me: What? Who said anything about breaking up?
Lucy: You're graduating and looking for a job. I still have a year of school to go.
Me: I'll find a job here.
Lucy: What if you don't?
Me: I dunno, we'll work something out.
Lucy: Long distance relationships don't work.
Me: ...
Lucy: I'd consider transferring to another school, but not for my boyfriend. I'd only do that for my husband.
Me: Are we seriously having this conversation? How long have we been dating? And the church wouldn't even let us get married in the temple. We'd have to have a civil marriage. Is that really what you want?
Lucy: You know how I feel about that.
Me: ...
Lucy: Is it that you aren't sure God is really okay with mutants getting married? Do you think the church's policy is right?
Me: No, it's not that. I've been thinking about it a lot--even though I should be thinking about graduating--and I'm pretty much 100% that the church's policy is wrong. I can't imagine a God who would tell us that marriage is so important to our eternal salvation, then deny those blessings to a significant portion of his children.
Lucy: Absolutely. I agree. Then what's the issue.
Me: ...
Lucy: What? You can tell me.
Me: It's just, well, if the church is wrong about that, and they're wrong about how God feels about mutant powers, then what else are they wrong about?
Lucy: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, like, did you know the papyri Joseph Smith supposedly translated the Book of Abraham from has since been examined by Egyptologists who say it has nothing to do with Abraham? That it's like the Book of the Dead or something?
Lucy: What difference does it make? So he was inspired to write something directly from God, instead of translating like he thought he was doing. What's the big deal?
Me: Never mind.
Lucy: What, are you going to go all Shawn on me now, and throw the baby out with the bath water?
Me: ...

Like I said, I really don't have time for this right now.

Gray

Life used to be much simpler:

• Mutant powers=Bad. 
• Priesthood power=Good. 
• LDS Church=Right. 
• X-Men=Wrong. 
• Mutant marriage=Not An Option. 
• Lifelong celibacy=As Good As It Gets.

Then Jan came into my life, and now Lucy, and suddenly the lines are blurred. 

But you know what? The black-and-white picture I had of the world was always just an illusion. It's like old, pre-color TV shows. Everyone calls them "black and white," but in reality they're filled with grays. If you only use black and white to make a picture, the best you can do is a two-dimensional cartoon. It's the grays that give life depth. 

Marriage

Lucy and I have been talking about marriage. We're not getting engaged or anything--we've only been dating for five days and even at BYU that's fast--but just talking about marriage in general. Well, I guess a little more specific than that. Talking about mutant marriage and interspecies marriage. Lucy's thoughts are along the same lines as Jan's, that the church's opposition to mutant and interspecies marriage is a policy, not doctrine, and that one day it will change. But she's not quite so willing to wait for that to change.

"We could get married civilly now," Lucy told me last night, "then get sealed in the temple when the policy changes."

We were lying on the grass, staring at the stars. I sat up. "I don't think you can have a temple recommend if you do that. I mean, until the policy changes."

Lucy shrugged. "I'd rather do what I know is right and be with the person I love than wait for an unjust policy to change just so I can have a temple recommend."

This seemed so strange coming from Lucy, who just five months ago was a complete Molly Mormon. She still is, in most ways, and I like that about her, but she's also got this rebellious streak to her and I kind of like that too. Well, that's not even it. It's not rebellion. It's more that she's extremely confident about what she believes is right. Most of that lines up with what the church says is right, but she's bold enough to follow her conscience even in those few areas where she doesn't agree with the church. It's not about the organization for her. It's about her relationship with God. I really dig that in a woman.

As for marriage? I don't know. I'm still undecided. Maybe one day I'll be as bold as Lucy.

Jan Update

Jan is still unconscious. The doctors say she'll be fine, but I'm starting to get nervous--it's been more than 24 hours. If anything happens to her I'll feel horrible. This whole thing was my idea. But I keep reminding myself that we did the right thing.

The nurses kicked me out at one point because it wasn't visiting hours and I'm not related to Jan--an annoying reminder that with Utah laws where they are currently I couldn't be legally related to Jan if I wanted to be--but Greg showed up a little after that and used his next-of-kin status to get them to let me back in.

...And I've just been told that I need to leave at 10. Oh well. I can sit in the waiting room. Whenever Jan wakes up, I won't be far.

Thoughts From Jan

A guest post:

Jan here. First I need to apologize for the lack of posts this week. That's my fault, X has been spending all his time with me. I guess he likes me more than blogging. :)
Second I want to say that I don't want to hide our relationship. I love X and there's nothing wrong with that. I respect the honor code office and I know I've made mistakes but dating X is not one of them. He is the best part of my life. He makes me want to be a better person. If the honor code office asks I'll tell them that. If I get kicked out of BYU then so be it. God will lead me where I need to go.
Third I want to say to all the mutant couples out there who lost your right to be married this week that I support you. I know my church doesn't approve of mutant marriage and I support my church but I also support the right of everyone to choose. Trust in God and He'll take care of you. No enemy will prevail.
Fourth I want you to know that X is super cute. I've read every post and he never mentions that. He won't let me post a picture of him so I'm going to post a picture of another cute boy and you can just imagine that it's X.

Steadying the Ark

Spent yesterday feeling bad for being so negative and critical. I like BYU, I know the Honor Code Office exists for a reason, and it's not my job to tell them how to do theirs. And above all, I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that this is the true church and that the priesthood restored through Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery is the only true and legitimate power of God. Reading over some of my posts from the past few weeks, I'm not sure that testimony comes across, so I want to make it clear. I do have my doubts now and then, but I do my best to follow Elder Uchtdorf's counsel to doubt my doubts.

This morning I took Brother Simmons' advice and confessed to my bishop that I had acted out on my mutant power last week. He was very kind and understanding, and assured me that Heavenly Father loves me and had already forgiven me. I told him about my (now-defunct) relationship with Jan too, since her bishop had been so concerned about us dating. My bishop says that while he understands the other bishop's concern and Jan should definitely follow her priesthood leader's counsel, he doesn't think it's necessarily a bad thing for me to date, even to date other mutants. He reminded me that it is not good for man to be alone, that it's natural to want companionship and to want someone special in my life. While the Church currently does not condone mutant marriage (yes, he used the word "currently"), he thinks it's healthy for me to form positive relationships with members of the opposite sex, so long as we respect appropriate boundaries. He even said it makes sense for me to date other LDS mutants, since they cannot marry either and we can support each other in our goals to control our powers righteously.

I left that meeting with my bishop on a spiritual high. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and that he will prepare a way for me to find happiness within his kingdom.

Christmas

I was feeling bummed about not having money to fly home for Christmas, but it's turning out to be a blessing in disguise.

First, I got to be in Utah for this historic weekend with all the mutant marriage celebrations going on--Jan and I drove up to Salt Lake again tonight for a big rally at the City & County Building, which was a lot of fun. A mutant couple got married at the rally and others were using their powers openly. Some made fireworks with their hands, others danced in the air, and shape-shifters did impersonations of public figures. I'm not going apostate or anything--all that stuff's not for me--but I was happy to see mutants so comfortable just being themselves in public.

Second, I get to hang out with FOX tomorrow. Chenry, Tara, and Galadriel are all local, so we're going to have our usual Tuesday morning meeting. I doubt anyone else will be on campus, but we can still meet in Tara's office. My writing group is among my favorite people in the world, and it's really great to be around non-mutants who know all about me but love me anyway. When we were talking about whether or not to meet tomorrow, Galadriel joked, "Aren't you going to be busy getting mutant-married?" I told her maybe she should go marry one of her many mutant friends.

Third, I get to spend Christmas with Marsha and her family. I love playing around with her kids, and the truth is I'm closer to Marsha now than I am to my mom. I'm headed over to their place tomorrow night so that the kids can wake me up bright and early on Christmas morning.

Finally, being in Utah means I get to spend Christmas with Jan. She had a falling out with her father over the mutant thing a few years back, and she isn't exactly welcome at home anymore. I think it's sad, but she says she's over it by now. Still, I'm glad she doesn't have to spend the holidays alone. And I'm even gladder that I'm the lucky guy she's going to grace with her company. Marsha has invited Jan to Christmas with us, so Jan will sleep in my niece's room while I bunk with the boys.

All in all, I'm thinking this just may end up being the best Christmas ever.

On the Sidelines of History

A Facebook conversation between me and Jan this afternoon:

X: Did you see the news? Utah's mutant marriage ban was ruled unconstitutional! http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/57291925-78/ban-judge-sex-court.html.csp

Jan: hurray

X: ...

X: Hard to read tone on Facebook. Was that excited or sarcastic?

X: Jan? You still there?

Jan: im here

Jan: readng the article

Jan: have you reloaded it in the past couple of minues?

Jan: it's been updated

X: Really? No, I don't think I have.

Jan: the church made a statement

Jan: "The church has been consistent in its support of traditional marriage while teaching that all people should be treated with respect," said spokesman Cody Craynor. "This ruling by a district court will work its way through the judicial process. We continue to believe that voters in Utah did the right thing by providing clear direction in the state constitution that marriage should be between humans, and we are hopeful that this view will be validated by a higher court."

X: Oh, right. I see that now.

X: But you aren't surprised, are you? I mean, you know as well as I do that that's the Church's position.

Jan: I know

Jan: it's jsut depressing

Jan: on the news they're showing hundreds of mutant couoples and mixed-species couples at the court in slc

Jan: but nothing changes for us

Jan: for you and me

X: Well, no, but, remember what you said that night at the bell tower? The Church's policy on mutant marriage is just that--policy. It's not doctrine. It'll change.

X: And we can wait until it does.

Jan: I know

Jan: I just

Jan: I don't know

X: I guess it does still suck for us, doesn't it?

X: The law can change, but for us, nothing changes.

Jan: no

X: :(

Jan: :(

Jan: but i guess we can be happy for other peole

Jan: wanna go up to slc and see all the couples getting married?

X: :)

X: I like the way you think. Let's do it!

This afternoon at the county clerk building.
Photo credit: Clint Martin

So we did. Jan had a 4:00 class, but she ditched it. And we had fun. The energy at the county clerk building was amazing. So many couples, in love and excited for the chance to be legally married. And even more supporters. I have to admit, I was tempted to get down on my knees, propose, and get in line for a marriage license, but I resisted. When it's time for mutants to share in the blessings of marriage, God will let us know through his prophet. So tonight, Jan and I just held hands and watched. "Someday," she said, "that'll be us."

Someday.

Forbidden Fruit

My hands are shaking so bad it's hard to type. I am not a good person.

Jan, being the laid-back zen goddess she is, forgave me for being late to our date. We didn't have set plans--we just met at the Wilk, grabbed a bite to eat at the CougarEat, and talked. I told her about this afternoon's hospital visit. I told her about my family. I told her a couple of funny stories from my mission. Jan told me about her mission (she served in Chile). She told me about this club for female engineering students she's in (apparently there aren't many of them). She told me about the first time she confessed to her bishop that she has a mutant power.

By this point we were done with dinner and were just walking around campus. Holding hands. It was dark and freezing cold (today's high was 23 degrees!) and her hand felt warm in mine. "Do you mind if I ask," I said, "what your mutant power is?" Since I'm new to this whole talking-to-other-mutants thing, I wasn't sure whether it's okay to ask that.

Jan looked away. "I'm sorry," she said, "I'd rather not talk about it. My power is... really bad."

"Worse than flying?" I asked with half a smile.

"Like, blasphemous-bad."

I tell you this so that you understand what kind of person Jan is. She draws clear boundaries between right and wrong, and doesn't cross those boundaries. She has a strong sense of reverence, and a great deal of respect for the prophets. I tell you this so you'll have an open mind and won't judge her when I tell you about what happened later. I am the only one here who deserves judgment, not Jan.

Photo credit: http://derekhullphotography.blogspot.com/

Much later, after several hours of wandering around campus and chatting, we found ourselves at the bell tower by the Marriott Center. Thanks to the ridiculously cold weather there was not another soul in sight. I'd been having such a good time talking with Jan, though, that I hardly noticed the cold. Standing below the bell tower, Jan took both of my hands and smiled. "This is nice. Talking to you is like talking to myself. Except taller, and with a deeper voice."

I laughed, then sighed. "It makes me a little sad, though."

"Sad?"

"Because nothing can ever come of it. You know, with the Church's stance on mutant marriage."

Jan shook her head. "I don't believe that for a minute. The Church's position on mutant marriage is policy, not doctrine. It'll change."

I blinked. I didn't know what to think. I knew some people believed what she was saying, but I'd always thought those were semi-apostate Mormons on the fringes; not active, faithful, BYU-attending Mormons.

Jan laughed. "I'm not saying they're going to revoke the Priesthood Proclamation or anything. I have a testimony of that. But the marriage thing is just a policy that was created in a time when there wasn't a good way to ensure that mutants who married didn't have children and pass on the mutant gene. Nowadays, it wouldn't be that complicated for a woman with mutant powers to get her tubes tied, or for a man to get a vasectomy. Then we could adopt. Problem solved."

"We?"

"Mutants. Us."

This conversation was getting scary. Scary because after this afternoon I wanted to stay as close to the iron rod as possible, and that meant not questioning the General Authorities. And scary because what she was saying made my heart race with excitement. The thought of being able to get married someday, after years of accepting that it could never happen, was invigorating. "So what are you saying? It's okay to ignore what the GAs say and get married anyway, because it's just policy and not doctrine?"

"No. I'll wait until the Church changes its policy before I get married. But in the meantime I can plan ahead. And if I do find the right guy, we can wait together." She grinned.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I closed the gap between Jan and me. I wrapped my arms around her back and pulled her lips into mine. I've kissed girls before--mostly in high school before I accepted that I was a mutant and could never marry--but never someone I felt such a strong connection with. As Jan and I kissed, it was like our souls touched. Never had I felt anything so powerful.

After a few minutes of bliss, Jan pulled away and smiled. "This is amazing."

"Thanks," I said, laughing. "You're not bad yourself."

She shook her head. "That was a great kiss, don't get me wrong, but that's not what I meant. I meant this." She pointed down with her chin.

I followed her gaze to the top of the bell tower, at least twenty-five feet below us. I swore. I willed us down to the ground so fast that we both fell over when we landed on the concrete. "I'm sorry, Jan. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she insisted. "It was an acci--"

"It's late. I should walk you home."

So, yeah. Now I'm flying not just in my daydreams, not just when I'm asleep, but when I'm wide awake. And the worst part? My hands aren't trembling because I'm so deeply ashamed of my sin. They're trembling because it's taking every ounce of willpower I have to keep from doing it again.