Cancer

Lucy has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. Apparently it's at an advanced stage and has already spread all over. The doctors give her between two months and two years.

I'm trying hard to have faith. Yesterday Lucy's dad promised her in the blessing he gave her that she would be healed. He wouldn't have been inspired to say that if it weren't true. Maybe Heavenly Father is just testing our faith now, before the miracle.

I can't help thinking, though, that I'm the one being tested, and that Lucy is suffering because of my failings. I have a hard time seeing how that's fair.

Forbidden Fruit

My hands are shaking so bad it's hard to type. I am not a good person.

Jan, being the laid-back zen goddess she is, forgave me for being late to our date. We didn't have set plans--we just met at the Wilk, grabbed a bite to eat at the CougarEat, and talked. I told her about this afternoon's hospital visit. I told her about my family. I told her a couple of funny stories from my mission. Jan told me about her mission (she served in Chile). She told me about this club for female engineering students she's in (apparently there aren't many of them). She told me about the first time she confessed to her bishop that she has a mutant power.

By this point we were done with dinner and were just walking around campus. Holding hands. It was dark and freezing cold (today's high was 23 degrees!) and her hand felt warm in mine. "Do you mind if I ask," I said, "what your mutant power is?" Since I'm new to this whole talking-to-other-mutants thing, I wasn't sure whether it's okay to ask that.

Jan looked away. "I'm sorry," she said, "I'd rather not talk about it. My power is... really bad."

"Worse than flying?" I asked with half a smile.

"Like, blasphemous-bad."

I tell you this so that you understand what kind of person Jan is. She draws clear boundaries between right and wrong, and doesn't cross those boundaries. She has a strong sense of reverence, and a great deal of respect for the prophets. I tell you this so you'll have an open mind and won't judge her when I tell you about what happened later. I am the only one here who deserves judgment, not Jan.

Photo credit: http://derekhullphotography.blogspot.com/

Much later, after several hours of wandering around campus and chatting, we found ourselves at the bell tower by the Marriott Center. Thanks to the ridiculously cold weather there was not another soul in sight. I'd been having such a good time talking with Jan, though, that I hardly noticed the cold. Standing below the bell tower, Jan took both of my hands and smiled. "This is nice. Talking to you is like talking to myself. Except taller, and with a deeper voice."

I laughed, then sighed. "It makes me a little sad, though."

"Sad?"

"Because nothing can ever come of it. You know, with the Church's stance on mutant marriage."

Jan shook her head. "I don't believe that for a minute. The Church's position on mutant marriage is policy, not doctrine. It'll change."

I blinked. I didn't know what to think. I knew some people believed what she was saying, but I'd always thought those were semi-apostate Mormons on the fringes; not active, faithful, BYU-attending Mormons.

Jan laughed. "I'm not saying they're going to revoke the Priesthood Proclamation or anything. I have a testimony of that. But the marriage thing is just a policy that was created in a time when there wasn't a good way to ensure that mutants who married didn't have children and pass on the mutant gene. Nowadays, it wouldn't be that complicated for a woman with mutant powers to get her tubes tied, or for a man to get a vasectomy. Then we could adopt. Problem solved."

"We?"

"Mutants. Us."

This conversation was getting scary. Scary because after this afternoon I wanted to stay as close to the iron rod as possible, and that meant not questioning the General Authorities. And scary because what she was saying made my heart race with excitement. The thought of being able to get married someday, after years of accepting that it could never happen, was invigorating. "So what are you saying? It's okay to ignore what the GAs say and get married anyway, because it's just policy and not doctrine?"

"No. I'll wait until the Church changes its policy before I get married. But in the meantime I can plan ahead. And if I do find the right guy, we can wait together." She grinned.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I closed the gap between Jan and me. I wrapped my arms around her back and pulled her lips into mine. I've kissed girls before--mostly in high school before I accepted that I was a mutant and could never marry--but never someone I felt such a strong connection with. As Jan and I kissed, it was like our souls touched. Never had I felt anything so powerful.

After a few minutes of bliss, Jan pulled away and smiled. "This is amazing."

"Thanks," I said, laughing. "You're not bad yourself."

She shook her head. "That was a great kiss, don't get me wrong, but that's not what I meant. I meant this." She pointed down with her chin.

I followed her gaze to the top of the bell tower, at least twenty-five feet below us. I swore. I willed us down to the ground so fast that we both fell over when we landed on the concrete. "I'm sorry, Jan. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she insisted. "It was an acci--"

"It's late. I should walk you home."

So, yeah. Now I'm flying not just in my daydreams, not just when I'm asleep, but when I'm wide awake. And the worst part? My hands aren't trembling because I'm so deeply ashamed of my sin. They're trembling because it's taking every ounce of willpower I have to keep from doing it again.

Power Failure

Well, that didn't go as planned. This afternoon, just a few minutes after I got home from class, Greg banged on my door. "Lucy's in the hospital!" A mix of emotions flooded me: fear for my friend, guilt for not thinking of her since meeting Jan the other night, shame for letting a date gone wrong get in the way of my home teaching responsibilities. Lucy had been sick on Sunday and I hadn't followed up to see whether she was better on Monday, just because I felt embarrassed and awkward around her. Now I felt like a big, selfish jerk.

Greg filled me on the way to the hospital: Lucy had been in pain since Friday night, off and on, and this morning she'd started throwing up blood again. She refused to go to the doctor, but when she fainted from blood loss, one of her roommates called 911.

When we got to Lucy's room at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, her roommate and her parents were in there with her. Lucy was sitting in bed in a hospital gown, looking a little pale but otherwise okay. She had an IV in her wrist. She smiled and said, "Hi Greg!," then looked at me and said hello much less enthusiastically. Her mom, whom I'd met briefly when picking Lucy up on Friday, frowned at me. I could only imagine what Lucy had told her. Lucy's dad, on the other hand, seemed happy to see both me and Greg. He shook our hands and said, "Thank you guys for coming. Will one of you assist me in giving Lucy a blessing?"

"Greg please," Lucy said quickly.

Greg gave me a questioning look, but I just motioned for him to go ahead with the blessing.

I can't say I blame Lucy. I know that having unnatural power proclivity doesn't make me unworthy, but I've gone beyond just having UPP lately. Between proudly proclaiming myself a mutant to anyone who will listen, chasing after relationships God doesn't want me to have, and generally obsessing over the mutant issue, it's like I want my sinful nature to define me. I've been putting the "X" before the "Mormon." And let's be honest--if a man who lusts after a woman has already committed adultery in his heart, then I've committed the sin of using my mutant power every day. Several times a day. I might as well have flown to Paris and back for all I daydream about flying.

Obviously, if I were worthy then the blessing I gave Lucy two weeks ago would have healed her. I told her as much in the blessing, and at the time I believed those words were coming from God. Now I know that was just the wishful thinking of a sinner pretending to speak for God. For Lucy's sake, I'm grateful her father was there this afternoon. He gave her a real blessing, one that will really count because he's actually worthy to use God's power. The doctors are running tests today and expect to have results tomorrow. Lucy's dad promised her in the blessing that she'll be healed of whatever's afflicting her, and I wouldn't be surprised if the test results show she's already healed.

And, just because it's that kind of day, I just realized I'm late for my date with Jan.

Moving UUPP In The World

Who needs drugs when you have emotional highs like this? What should I tell you first--the good news, or the better news?

I'll start with the good news: The Understanding Unnatural Power Proclivity club is awesome. There were about ten other students there, all of them experiencing UPP in one way or another, and all of them faithful members of the Church. I cannot begin to express how amazing it is to meet others like me, caught in this weird twilight zone between the mutant community and the Mormon community. It hadn't even occurred to me before how lucky I am that I can pass as human--at least to people who don't know me as well as my sister does. There was a guy there tonight who has purple skin, and has to wear flesh-colored make-up to school every day. One of the girls has horns that she has to cover up with hats all the time. (She joked about how kids from her hometown in rural Alabama used to tease her that Mormons have horns, and it turned out to be true for her!) I guess the club has a different theme each week, and this week they had a guest speaker talk about suicide prevention. I hadn't realized before what a huge problem suicide is among mutant Mormon youths; I feel bad now for even suggesting the idea the other day. I have my bad days, but I would never seriously consider taking my own life.

And the better news: Jan and I chatted before the meeting (and during, and after), and she laughed about my oversharing post last night and my awkward apology this morning. She said she would much rather hang out with someone who's direct and honest about how he feels than with someone who plays silly dating games and makes her guess what he's thinking. She said she was flattered by my post, and that she likes me too. (!) We're gonna hang out tomorrow night.

So I guess the only bad news is that it's another twenty-one hours until then.

Oops

I just woke up with the terrifying realization that I've made a complete and utter fool of myself. Greg has told me he reads this blog. There's a good chance his sister does as well. You know, the sister who is also a mutant, who I met last night and then gushed here on this blog about how hot she is? Yeah, that one.

I've gotten so used to hiding behind the anonymity of Mormon X that I've forgotten I'm not completely anonymous anymore. I'm such a dork.

So, yeah. Hi Jan! See you tonight? I hope?

Family

Tonight was Family Home Evening. For any non-Mormons who might be reading this, FHE is a weekly gathering with family to discuss the gospel, play games, eat treats, and otherwise strengthen your family. At BYU, singles are grouped together into "families" so that we can still have FHE every week even though we're away from home. It's common for guys and girls from FHE families to hook up, get married, and start families of their own, but of all the girls in my FHE group, the only one I was interested in was Lucy, and she's made it clear she's no longer interested in me now that she knows I'm a mutant--she skipped FHE tonight, no doubt to avoid me. Which is for the best, I guess, since getting married and starting a family isn't really an option for me, as I've mentioned before.

Except.

Except tonight my roommate Greg invited his sister Jan (not her real name) to join us for FHE. Jan is a junior, an engineering major (have I mentioned I have a thing for smart girls?), she's got a wicked sense of humor, and she is HOT. Long black hair, dark eyes, and a big beautiful smile.

Greg introduced Jan to me, saying, "This is the guy I was telling you about." Then he looked at me and said, "I hope that's okay--I told her about you."

I didn't know how to respond. I'd never explicitly told Greg not to tell anyone I'm a mutant, but I thought he understood it was a secret. I felt naked, being introduced to this girl--this hot girl--I'd just met, and having her know things about me that I've only shared with a couple of people. Things that, just three days ago, led a girl I kind of liked to freak out and run as fast as she could in the opposite direction.

Greg must have perceived my discomfort, because he quickly added, "She's the one I told you about."

"Oh." I'd completely forgotten that Greg had told me his sister was a mutant. I didn't know what to say. I'd never met another mutant before. If I thought about it I'd probably have a million questions to ask her, but at the moment all I could think about was the fact that I was face to face with a gorgeous woman who, before even saying a word, already had more in common with me than anyone I'd ever met. I opened my mouth, but no words came out.

Jan grinned, shook my hand, and said, "Welcome to the club."

We didn't talk about mutant stuff at all tonight. We couldn't have even if we wanted to, with the rest of the FHE group there, but we really didn't need to. There was an unspoken understanding between us, like I've never felt with anyone before. We played Win, Lose, or Draw and she was on my team. We totally beat the other team. :)

After FHE Jan mentioned to me, out of earshot of the rest of the group, that she's part of an unofficial club called Understanding Unnatural Power Proclivity that meets on campus on Tuesday nights. I excitedly accepted the invitation to come to tomorrow's meeting, but honestly I'm not sure whether I'm looking forward more to meeting other mutants at BYU, or to seeing Jan again. What I do know is that I have never been more impatient for twenty-two hours to pass.

Fingers Fading On An Electric Guitar

I was hoping to see Lucy at church this morning since I hadn't seen her since our date on Friday night and I was hoping to apologize for unloading my personal problems on  her, but I didn't see her in sacrament meeting. In Sunday school one of her roommates told me she was home sick. Regardless of whatever weirdness there is between us now because of Friday night, I figured as her home teacher it's my responsibility to make sure she's okay, so after church Greg and I stopped by her apartment to see how she was doing.

Lucy was on the couch, watching conference talks on her laptop. She said hi and thanked us for coming, but she didn't look overly enthused to see us. She spoke mostly to Greg, like she was avoiding looking at me. She explained that she was having stomach pain again. She's worried that she might have an ulcer or something. Greg asked if she wanted a blessing. She glanced at me briefly before saying no, she didn't think that was necessary. Greg made her promise to call the doctor first thing in the morning if she wasn't feeling better, and to let us know if she changed her mind about the blessing.

Ugh. I wish my mutant power were time travel. I'd go back to Friday and stop myself from coming out to Lucy. Or better yet, go back to last Sunday and stop myself from agreeing to go on the date in the first place. Or maybe I'd just go back thirty years, before my parents were married, and Marty McFly myself out of existence. At least if I did that, something positive would come out of me being a mutant--the world would be a better place without me.