Thoughts From Jan

A guest post:

Jan here. First I need to apologize for the lack of posts this week. That's my fault, X has been spending all his time with me. I guess he likes me more than blogging. :)
Second I want to say that I don't want to hide our relationship. I love X and there's nothing wrong with that. I respect the honor code office and I know I've made mistakes but dating X is not one of them. He is the best part of my life. He makes me want to be a better person. If the honor code office asks I'll tell them that. If I get kicked out of BYU then so be it. God will lead me where I need to go.
Third I want to say to all the mutant couples out there who lost your right to be married this week that I support you. I know my church doesn't approve of mutant marriage and I support my church but I also support the right of everyone to choose. Trust in God and He'll take care of you. No enemy will prevail.
Fourth I want you to know that X is super cute. I've read every post and he never mentions that. He won't let me post a picture of him so I'm going to post a picture of another cute boy and you can just imagine that it's X.

Shh!

Um. This is difficult. I really want to tell you who showed up at my door Sunday night, but I need to be careful not to say anything incriminating. This blog is still technically anonymous and everyone has a pseudonym, but anyone who knows me or is familiar with recent events in my life--say, for example, people from the Honor Code Office--would have no problem connecting the dots. So I'll just say that life is good again.

That's all. I'm going to return to enjoying my good life now.

Steadying the Ark

Spent yesterday feeling bad for being so negative and critical. I like BYU, I know the Honor Code Office exists for a reason, and it's not my job to tell them how to do theirs. And above all, I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that this is the true church and that the priesthood restored through Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery is the only true and legitimate power of God. Reading over some of my posts from the past few weeks, I'm not sure that testimony comes across, so I want to make it clear. I do have my doubts now and then, but I do my best to follow Elder Uchtdorf's counsel to doubt my doubts.

This morning I took Brother Simmons' advice and confessed to my bishop that I had acted out on my mutant power last week. He was very kind and understanding, and assured me that Heavenly Father loves me and had already forgiven me. I told him about my (now-defunct) relationship with Jan too, since her bishop had been so concerned about us dating. My bishop says that while he understands the other bishop's concern and Jan should definitely follow her priesthood leader's counsel, he doesn't think it's necessarily a bad thing for me to date, even to date other mutants. He reminded me that it is not good for man to be alone, that it's natural to want companionship and to want someone special in my life. While the Church currently does not condone mutant marriage (yes, he used the word "currently"), he thinks it's healthy for me to form positive relationships with members of the opposite sex, so long as we respect appropriate boundaries. He even said it makes sense for me to date other LDS mutants, since they cannot marry either and we can support each other in our goals to control our powers righteously.

I left that meeting with my bishop on a spiritual high. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and that he will prepare a way for me to find happiness within his kingdom.

Honor

I arrived early at the Honor Code Office, temporarily set up in the administration building while the Wilk is being rebuilt. I wanted to make it clear that I was happy to meet with them, that I had nothing to hide. Maybe it's not usually like this when they have their own office, but the poor lighting of the small room, with one single bulb shining down on me from behind a man who refused to sit down, made me feel like I was in some cheesy interrogation scene in a cop show. The man, who introduced himself as Brother Simmons, was unusually tall, had a fading blond comb-over, and wore a white shirt and tie. The tie was decorated with little blue BYU logos.

"I understand you struggle with unnatural power proclivity," Brother Simmons said.

"Yes," I said. "I'm a mutant." Members of UUPP have assured me that it's not technically against the rules to say this.

"I see." He scribbled on his notepad. "And have you used your 'power' recently?" He didn't actually make air-quotes with his fingers, but his tone made them for him.

"Yes. I was caught in the explosion in the Wilkinson Center on Christmas Eve, and I instinctively used my power to fly myself and two of my friends to safety."

"Is that the only time?"

"Yes," I said, because I had already repented of the bell tower incident and if that's good enough for God, then it should be good enough for Brother Simmons.

"Can you tell me what you were doing in the Wilkinson Center on Christmas Eve?"

"I was meeting with my writing group. One of the members of the group has an office in the Wilk." I didn't offer Tara's name in case letting her friends into her office during off-hours would get her in trouble, but the truth is he probably already knew all of that.

"I find it interesting that three self-proclaimed homosuperiors all happened to be on campus on a holiday, at the time of a homosuperior terrorist attack." He spat the word "homosuperior" like an insult. And in reality, no one really uses the term anymore unless they mean it as an insult. "Are the other two also members of  your 'writing group'?" Again with the intoned air-quotes.

I took a deep breath, doing my best to remain calm in the face of his attack, of what he was insinuating. "No. One was my girlfriend, but we're no longer dating." I wondered if that wasn't part of the purpose of calling me in today--to check on Jan's promise not to see me anymore. "If the other mutant you're referring to is Stan Kirby, I didn't know at the time that he was there. I didn't know him well at all, but I know he was not a terrorist." My hands were trembling now, probably more than anything out of fear that my bold defense of Stan would cost me the college degree I'm supposed to be getting in April.

"Mm hm." Brother Simmons nodded and jotted down a couple of notes. He peered down at me for what seemed like an eternity, then seemed to make a decision. "Well, I would encourage you to talk to your bishop about the flying incident, if you haven't already. Thank you for coming in."

"What?" I had been prepared for the worst. This was almost disappointing. "Are you going to put me on probation, like Jan?"

"No. You made a mistake, but as you said it was an instinctive response. You acted out of self-preservation. Contrary to popular belief, we are not heartless here. I understand why you did what you did, and I trust that you will not do it again."

I stood up. "What about Jan? She was trying to help other people. All I cared about was saving my own butt!"

Brother Simmons gave me a tight-lipped frown. "Jan is not your concern. You should worry about, as you say, your 'own butt.' Thank you again for coming in." He pointed to the door.

POST-SCRIPT: In searching for an image to go with this post, I came across the above on the Honor Code Office's homepage. As BYU students, we become intimately familiar with this quote from Karl G. Maeser. I find it ironic that the quote is associated with the Honor Code Office. The HCO, in my opinion, is all about building walls and trying to prevent students from escaping. They don't give us a chance to prove our honor by choosing on our own to stay within the chalk circle. Jan is one of the most honorable people I know.

My Turn!

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I've been called into the Honor Code Office. Wish me luck! (Or, you know, shoot me.)

In The Middle

Greg got back from his Christmas break today. I was nervous about things being awkward between us because, well, it never occurs to you that dating your roommate's sister is a bad idea until you kind-of-sort-of break up with her because she used her mutant power to save your life and then had to vow to the Honor Code Office and her bishop never to see you again, all while your roommate is at home visiting the family who has more or less disowned his sister. But it turns out that Greg doesn't do awkward. "Hey dude," he said when he got in, "I heard about everything that happened. Just so you know, it doesn't change anything between you and me. We're still friends. And hometeaching comps too." He held up a finger and declared, "There will be no drama in this companionship." He laughed. "I've been caught between Jan and our dad for the past ten years--heck, my entire life--and I have a strict no-taking-sides policy."

Then I updated him on Lucy. Then we ate ramen. And that was that.

Remember Thy Suffering Saints

I checked in on Lucy today. She's not doing well. As the doctors predicted, the chemotherapy has done little good, if any--the cancer was too far spread already. All the chemo has done is mess with Lucy's body. She's skinny, weak, tired, has no immune system, and no hair. Her family spent New Year's Eve with her at the hospital. The sad thing is, it will probably be her last.

If I have any non-Mormon readers, you're probably wondering why I don't just ask Jan to use her healing power on Lucy. To be honest, I've considered the idea more than once. How can I see one friend suffering, know that another friend has the power to heal her, and not consider it? But it's just not an option. Even if she were talking to me right now, Jan wouldn't do it. She's already on probation with the Honor Code Office and I don't know what came of her bishop looking into a potential disciplinary council--meaning not only her status as a BYU student but also as a member of the Church are at risk. But all that stuff aside, what it comes down to is Jan's core faith in a God of order. Our Heavenly Father has an established way of doing things, and that includes the holy priesthood that he restored through Joseph Smith. If Lucy is going to be healed, it will be through the power of the priesthood. Otherwise, it's not God's will. For Jan or anyone else to step in and do something using a power that doesn't come from God would go against his will, and would be a corruption of the natural order of things.

I know this is true.

But still, as I sat next to Lucy and looked into her eyes, red from crying and sunken into a face slowly wasting away, I can't help but wonder how that much suffering could ever be God's will.