Waiting...

I'm waiting for all heck to break loose after posting my real name and face here yesterday, but so far nothing. I'm left wondering if it really is a non-issue or if it's a ticking time bomb getting ready to explode in my face any minute now. Most likely scenario is that no one who knows me in real life reads this blog and everyone else is like, "Oh, hey, it's... some guy I don't know." I guess the next step is for me to come out to people who actually know me. Maybe post a link to yesterday's post on my personal Facebook page?

Out

Okay, folks, this is it. I thought I was being brave when I first started this blog as an anonymous Mormon mutant, but that was nothing. I had a pseudonym and a generic profile image to hide behind. But my friend Lucy has convinced me I can do more. By being open and honest about who I am, I can show people I have nothing to hide. There is no shame in being a mutant. I am who God made me to be.

So here goes nothing:

My name is Ben Christensen. I am a 24-year-old BYU student living in Provo, Utah, majoring in English. I am a devoted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I am a mutant.

In or Out?

At tonight's UUPP meeting we talked about the pros and cons of being out as a mutant at BYU. Technically the Honor Code does not prohibit students from admitting that we have unnatural power proclivities, or even identifying as mutants, so long as we don't actively use our powers. Some members of the club are totally open with all their friends, family, professors, and classmates about being mutants. Others are open about being members of UUPP and supporting their mutant friends, but they don't admit to being mutants themselves. Yet others do their best not to be publicly associated with mutants at all. One girl admitted that the only reason she ever uses her power is to turn invisible when coming and going from UUPP meetings.

Image source: http://www.buzz12.com/my-coming-out-of-closet-story/

Lucy spoke out strongly in support of being out. "X came out to me on our first date," she said. (She didn't specify that it was also our only date, but whatever.) "And I admit, at first it freaked me out. I had a really hard time with it. And," she turned to me sheepishly, "I wasn't very kind about it. I'm sorry."

I smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "No worries. I understand." But I have to say, it felt really good to hear her apologize.

"As I lay in that hospital bed waiting to die, in those final weeks when it was a struggle to get a single word out, one of my biggest regrets was that I had treated such an unselfish, loving friend so poorly. I thank my Heavenly Father each day not only that he gave me another chance at life, but also that he gave me a chance to make things right with X."

Lucy sniffed. Hers weren't the only wet eyes in the room. All of us were touched by her story--probably me more than anyone. I had assumed until now that her change of hearts came only when Jan healed her, not before. But I guess she did have a lot of time to think there in the hospital.

"If X hadn't been brave enough to come out to me," Lucy went on, "I would have gone to my death believing that mutants are filthy sinners. Even if Jan had offered to heal me, I honestly think I would have said no, if not for the two months X gave me to reconsider my prejudices and to reexamine my ignorance. But in that two months I saw this mutant who never gave up on me, who visited me more often than anyone else outside my family, who never stopped being my friend despite the way I had treated him, and I knew he couldn't possibly be a bad person. And if he was a good person, then obviously I was wrong about mutants."

I had nothing to say when Lucy's speech was done, and I'm not sure I have anything to say now, except that I'm still feeling floored by the whole thing. When I came out to Lucy and she reacted so poorly, I was sure I'd made a mistake. I had no idea that so much good would come of it. I don't know whether her speech tonight convinced anyone else that coming out is the right thing to do, but I think she might have convinced me.

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Lucy and I saw the Lego Movie this morning. She called me at 10 to ask if I wanted to go and I didn't have anything else going on so we went. It's a clever movie, and I enjoyed watching it with her. Afterward we had lunch. Lucy is a lot of fun to hang out with, especially since Jan healed her. She says that nearly losing her life has made her appreciate it all that much more, and it really shows in the way she savors every moment. It's like every bite of cheeseburger she had at Five Guys was a gift from God. I don't think she'll ever take anything for granted again.

I guess Jan has that effect on people. She comes into your life, changes everything, then leaves. Thanks to Jan, Lucy has done a complete 180 on her feelings about mutants, and I have to admit the same is true of me. The way Lucy reacted when I told her I was a mutant a few months ago wasn't that far off from how I felt about myself at the time--like I was dirty, corrupt, broken. But Jan helped me realize that I'm perfect just the way God made me, that my powers are a gift. Just like she helped Lucy see that.

And now Jan is gone, no doubt doing the same for countless others. Healing people's souls at the same time she heals their bodies. In a way, I feel broken again, lost without Jan, but at the same time I feel like she left me with the instructions on how to put myself back together. Even my friendship with Lucy feels like a gift from Jan. Who better to help me deal with Jan's absence than someone else whose life she has touched so profoundly? Who better to help me pick up the pieces and move on?

Meet the Newest Missionary for Mutant Mormondom...

So. I went to UUPP on Tuesday night, like I said I would, and guess who was there? No, not Jan. She's still at Primary Children's in Salt Lake, healing sick children. I walked into the room full of my Latter-day Mutant friends, and there was Lucy. She was chatting with a guy who has water-breathing powers (he jokingly calls himself Fish Breath), but as soon as she noticed me she jumped up and gave me a hug. Apparently she's been going to UUPP meetings since she got out of the hospital and she was disappointed that I hadn't been attending.

During the meeting, Lucy was the most vocal member of the group. She teared up when she was telling a new member about how Jan healed her, and how Lucy now feels that it's her mission to help her fellow non-mutants understand and accept us. After the meeting Lucy and I hung around and talked for hours, and then we met for dinner last night and talked for hours again, and then again tonight. She wants to know everything about my power and about my experiences as a mutant growing up in the church. I don't think I've ever talked so much about myself in my life, but she just keeps asking questions.

I know what this looks like. My girlfriend ran off to save the world, so I rebound with the first girl who comes along (who just happens to be the last girl I went out with before meeting my girlfriend). That's not what's happening. Jan and I haven't even broken up, officially, and even if we had I'm not ready to move on yet. Lucy is a friend. That's all.

But it sure is nice to have a friend.

Foxing Back Up

As part of my resolution to Go On With Life, I met with FOX again this morning after taking a break for a few weeks. It was fun to meet with my friends and talk about writing. Tara is all settled into her interim office in the JKB while the Wilk is being rebuilt, Galadriel and I shared a few knowing smiles about our little secret, and Chenry is treating me like a normal person again. He just freaked out a little when I used my power on him, but he's had plenty of time to get over it since. I wouldn't say FOX is the same as it was pre-Explosion, but we're at a good place again.

I also think I'm ready to start attending UUPP again. I've been avoiding it since the group is so closely linked with She Who Shall Not Be Named, but I'm going to give it a try tonight. Here's hoping it goes well!

Gifts of the Spirit

I snorted. "You think it comes from God, then?"

"How do you know it don't?" I turned to her and I saw she was leaning forward, like she was excited. "Maybe it's one of the gifts of the Spirit, like Paul says in the Bible: to one is given the gift of healing, and to another the gift of miracles, or prophecy, and like that. Who's to say there ain't more that Paul didn't talk about?"

I raised my eyebrow. "'To some is given the gift of turning into a big scary rock monster?'"

"Well it sounds stupid when you say it like that, but why not?" 

 --Dan Wells, "The Mountain of the Lord"

Theric Jepson recommended a while back that I read Dan Wells's story "The Mountain of the Lord" and I finally got around to it this week. It's a great story, found in Jepson and Wm Morris's great anthology Monsters & Mormons. "Mountain" is about a kid who is presumably a mutant, about a hundred years before being a mutant was cool (or even heard of, for that matter). This kid is a Mormon pioneer in an early Utah settlement and has the power to turn into a big stone monster. He starts out hating his power, believing it's of the devil, but over the course of the story he comes to believe that his power just might come from God.

I've spent too much of my life feeling bad for myself because I'm a mutant, and now because Jan left. I love Jan and I miss her, but I can't live my life waiting for her once-a-week phone calls. Deep down, I know that she is doing something amazing--she's devoting her life to helping people, to using the gift God gave her to make the world a better place. Instead of moping around and feeling bad for myself, I should learn from her example. Just as God gave Jan her healing power for a reason, there's a reason why he gave me my power to fly. I just need to figure out what it is.

In the meantime, I'm going to focus on the day-to-day stuff--going to school, doing my home teaching, finding ways to serve the people around me. Maybe even dating. We'll see. For now, I'm going to stick to BYU standards, which means no using my power. I've got less than three months before I graduate, and there's no reason to throw my chance at a college degree down the drain. But after I graduate? I guess I'll see where God wants me to go from there.